So you know what has happened since then? Ripping life. Trauma. Anxiety. Mental distress. Struggle with the same problems. Struggle with new ones. Disappointment. Discouragement. Weariness that goes so deep, I couldn’t even make a map for you. Anger. Distrust. Cynicism.
There was out-working of all of this on various days–with tears, angry words, and other disagreeable discourse.
Then there was peace. Quiet. Stillness. Calm.
I believe the answer to this prayer has come in the form of leveling of myself–stripped of all pride and laying face down. Not grovelling, mind you, no. But surrender. Surrender over and over again to God’s plans for my life. Surrender to His timing–His way, His how.
What shall come out of these ashes, I do not yet know. But I know that it will be good. I know that it will shine forth in beauty. I know that it will come without the need to be known or understood by any man or woman. That affirmation that has always driven me has been tossed out at a roadside, park waste receptacle, never to be heard from again (I hope). I also know that it will come without the need for receiving credit or recognition. For every crown, I lay at His feet. Jesus alone is worthy.
You see, underlying all of this is great loss, accusation without defense and a lose-lose situation. Only God can restore what has been ripped from my hands. Only God can make a way from the crookedest pathway. I have One, who stands in my place. I have Jesus. And His nod of approval over my life is all I need. So I now stand under a beautiful weight of daily carrying the cross, which He has faithfully allowed me to bear. I follow Him. And there alone, I find peace.
It’s like an old injury I struggle with in my right ankle. It needs daily exercise to be loose and willing enough for me to use it. When I don’t exercise it, my walking is a limping forward. It’s painful, embarrassing even. But with daily exercise, I have freedom to run! God’s weights upon us are always, always for us and for good, building core strength built upon a strong and firm foundation–Jesus.
Now, you may be asking, why? Why would I pray such a prayer? Why would I even care or bother? I’ll tell you why. I just got to the point where I was sick of myself, sick of who I was becoming, sick of the same old topics being rehashed in the same base way. I have reached the point in my walk where I care more about God having His way through me than me having my way for my own comfort.
And it’s uncomfortable. It’s hard. It’s weighty.
But I am not alone. Daily I pick it up. Daily I walk it out. All with Jesus. If I am stripped of everything I hold dear for the sake of His call, I say YES, in advance. I do not long for that, no. But I am willing. And everything we hold out willingly to our Savior, He sees our pureness of heart and He shines through. That’s all I want–I want for Jesus to shine through and make a difference in this little piece of ground under my feet and surrounding. Even if…