What is the most important relationship in your family?
I hope you said your marriage! Your husband was there before the kids, and he’ll be there after the kids move out. And more importantly, once you have children, you have even more of a responsibility to work on your marriage, because other people count on you now. You can’t give your life entirely to your kids. That is wrong.
And ladies, sex is a big part of marriage! Men feel loved through sex, and we women feel much closer to our husbands when we’re connecting on a regular basis.
So let me ask you: is your bedroom a haven for your marriage?
What does that mean?
It means no laundry to be folded all over the bed and the floor. Don’t use your bedroom as a place to store laundry! I know that nice, beautiful big bed, at just the right height, makes it an ideal folding surface. But if you start, chances are you won’t finish, and then at the end of the night clothes are scattered everywhere. Not inviting.
Don’t make your bedroom a repository for stuff, either! I’ve known women who have so much junk in the bedroom because it’s out of the way so company won’t see it. But who is your house supposed to nurture, first and foremost: you and your husband, or the occasional guest? When you put junk in your room, then you feel the weight of it everytime you walk in. It isn’t inviting; it’s like having a neon sign in your bedroom saying, “I need to be cleaned! I need to be organized! I take a lot of work!” That’s hardly conducive to relaxation.
And here’s the hardest one: Making your bedroom a haven means that kids go to sleep in their own rooms. Many women believe in sleeping with the babies and toddlers in the bed because it promotes bonding. You can find co-sleeping websites all over the internet, and this is a widely debated topic on many sites.
Let me give you my two cents. Most men don’t feel comfortable having the kids in bed. My husband is a pediatrician, and he talks to co-sleeping parents all the time, and he has yet to meet a couple where the man didn’t secretly admit that it gives him the creeps having the kids there all the time (and it scares them that they’ll roll on the kids). Usually this is a woman-initiated thing, and the men go along with it.
And this will ruin your sex life! Some moms have written to me saying, “we just make love in other rooms, and be more intentional about it!” But let’s be honest: most sex occurs when we’re not being intentional; we’re just lying there and we snuggle and it goes further. Being intentional takes more energy, and means that sex will be less frequent. And men really do need it.
I know when a baby is first born you may want it in bed to make nursing easier, and if you’re absolutely exhausted, perhaps that’s the best idea. But let it be very temporary. You don’t want children to be your birth control!
Of course, keeping kids out also means that you need a lock on your door. Once, when my youngest was 6, Keith and I were having a good time when we heard the pitter patter of little feet. Freeze. She rattled the doorknob. “It’s locked!” Keith yelled. “Oh, that’s okay,” she replied. Pitter patter pitter patter. We resumed. And all of a sudden the door flew open. Grab the sheets.
It seems that 6 is old enough to know how to pick a lock, but not old enough to know that you don’t want to pick it.
So do what you can to keep kids out. Keep the springs on your bed oiled so the bed doesn’t squeak. Tighten the screws periodically, if you have them, on the headboard so that it’s secure and doesn’t rattle. Invest in comfortable sheets and a nice duvet. Get some candles. It doesn’t have to be expensive, but doing little things to help you feel comfortable and stressfree in your bedroom will help you to relax in it, and then maybe more will happen!
Finally, making your bedroom a haven may involve ditching the television. Do you really need to watch TV together at night? It just intrudes on couple time. Why not let the bedroom be where you snuggle, pray, talk, and cuddle? Why not let the bedroom be just for your relationship, and keep other stuff out?
I think if we show that we prioritize the time with our husbands by keeping the bedroom free of distractions, we’ll reap rewards! Your marriage is the most precious relationship God has given you, and we need to be doing all we can to honor and nurture that relationship!
Sheila is the author of the upcoming “The Good Girl’s Guide to Sex”. She blogs everyday at To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
About Sheila Wray Gregoire
This is really stupid. I really dislike that you’re saying women shouldn’t sleep with their children and that their most important relationship should be with their husband. A woman can divorce her husband, but I think many women rightly feel that they will never divorce their children. In addition women who look back over the course of their lives are most likely to report that the happiest times in their lives were when their children were young, thus emphasizing the value women place on their relationships with their children. This may not be true for all women, and it certainly looks not to be true for Sheila, but I hope that her words don’t misguide some women into not giving into the impulse to co-sleep with children and to place their relationship with their children above or equal to that of their husbands. And, if the bedroom is supposed to be the husband and wife’s sexy place, then why do plenty of parents not have sex who don’t co-sleep and why do so many co-sleeping parents find more time and more access for sex with their spouse? I’m so deeply offended, yes, because my husband and I co-sleep with our two children, but also because Sheila treats the issue of co-sleeping without much consideration: If a husband and a wife are going to be together before the kids and after the kids, then why is it unreasonable to think that all of the 2.5 kids people are having these days might spend a year or two in bed with mommy and daddy? Safe co-sleeping is linked with more successful breastfeeding (longer duration, and maternal satisfaction – the mother gets more sleep) as well as improved life long feelings of security in the child. Sheila, you use your husband’s job to “on the sly” give women pediatric advice about co-sleeping. Don’t you think men have hesitations because most men AND WOMEN don’t think that co-sleeping is the norm anyway? They have a right to be *creeped* out about rolling over on their child because safe co-sleeping insists that only the mother sleeps next to her child to rule out this very possibility. Sheila, you sound uber sexist and I think it’s because you get a kick from being the alpha sex female, but I seriously hope that readers do put more of an emphasis on their relationships with both their husband AND children than their relationship with sex. The end.
Tabetha, I think the difference in our opinions can be found in your first statement: You said “a woman can divorce her husband, but I think that many women rightly feel that they will never divorce their children.”
You said it so cavalierly, as if the man doesn’t matter. And let me tell you one simple fact: the best thing that you can do for your kids is work on your marriage. If you go into marriage with that attitude–well, I can always divorce him, but I’ll never leave my kids, so they’re my first priority–then your marriage is in jeopardy. Kids don’t WANT to be the first priority. They want to know that their parents are in a stable marriage.
I know there are debates over co-sleeping, and I don’t really want to get into them that much, because my focus is marriage, not that. But let me also say that the American Academy of Pediatrics does discourage it, and my husband has seen babies who have died because of it.
I’m just saying that when people co-sleep, it’s usually because the woman wants it, and the man acquiesces. And I don’t think that’s fair to the man.
Your marriage comes first. That makes the kids the most secure, and the happiest. That’s where I’m coming from. And if people start thinking, well, we can always divorce, then that’s really a dangerous attitude.
@Tabetha, I really hate to hear you disagree with an article and the only way you can disagree is to call it stupid. I also take offense that as a parent and a mother, divorce is the first thing that comes to mind. As a former single parent who has married and now has two babies under the age of two, let me be the first to tell you that eventually children do grow up and will sleep in their own bed. Also, they will eventually grow up and leave the house and what does that leave you with??? Your marriage comes first period!
I do understand the first few months co-sleeping, or when they are asleep, or during nursing because I did it. But there came a time in my marriage where I saw that I was neglecting my husband and he needs my attention more than my children. What my children need is to see two loving, happy, and emotionally healthy parents. And they also need to understand that while they are rays of sunshine to us, the world doesn’t revolve around them. The problem with children now is the lack of boundaries which starts during childhood. It doesn’t mean you are cold, or unloving, it means that you learn to look long term and see past the early years of childhood to embrace the long term effects a happy healthy marriage has on them durning the preteen and adolecence years.
I agree with you Shelia, and I am so guilty. I feel my sexiest when my bedroom is clean and in order. when it looks like a war zone I feel defeated, exhausted and depressed. Plus men hate a junky room. They like order and the clutter yeilds tension and frustration. Great article!!!
Jamala, thank you for your comment. It’s very gracious. I’m so glad that God brought you through your period of single parenthood and into a great marriage!
Blessings!
@ Shelia, I just hate when women take men for granted. Being a single parent is hard!!! It is no cakewalk. You don’t appreciate what you have until you don’t have it. You don’t know how many nights I lay alone praying for God to send me someone to snuggle with. When you see older couples you normally see just the two of them. The kids are gone, they have new lives, they have kids but the couple… They are still there. Rasing your kids is for a season. Yes they are your children forever,but you only have a season of time to raise them. Your spouse is the one you pledged vows to. It is not going to kill the kiddos to sleep in another room. What you won’t give your husband some other women will!!! It doesn’t mean he will take it, but the offers are always there, don’t make them attrative for him!!!
Jamala, I just want to hug you. Lol
I agree with Sheila. I would LOVE for my room to be a sanctuary! It isn’t, though. I’m on a mission to clear out this extra clutter!
I do want to disagree with something Jamala said about husbands liking things cleaned up. I know some do but mine couldnt care less. Lol
Such good thoughts here, Sheila!
A few years ago my husband and I redecorated our bedroom and ditched the clutter — I’m embarassed to say it had become a spot to throw things that belonged nowhwere. It’s amazing how much it changed the mood for us — we couldn’t wait to go to bed at night, even if we were just snuggling! It became a cozy haven instead of the place we walked into and thought, “ugh. We really need to do something about this room.”
And I know the issue of co-sleeping is a hot one. I know Sheila isn’t saying “don’t be a good mom.” She’s saying, “Put your marriage first — have a great marriage AND be a great mom!”
We had preemie twins as our first, so co-sleeping wasn’t ever considered. They came home on special monitors, and shared a crib for the first 6 months of life. When our third came, it felt natural to put him in his own bed. The only times we really share beds with them is on vacation or when someone is really sick or has a bad dream. Our solution is to sleep with them in the guest room, rather than bring them into our bed. It works for us, and we probably only do it a half dozen times a year.
The important thing is to develop healthy sleep patterns for kids, so they get enough uninterrupted sleep. I know when we travel, they can’t wait to get home to their own beds!
I have to say that I do agree with pretty much everything in this article. Having said that, we currently have a baby in our room. For a few weeks she was in bed with us because that was the only way anyone was getting any sleep. I don’t know when she’ll leave our room as there are already 2 children/bedroom and we have run out of space. While she’s little, she’ll stay with us, but I will be happy to let her have the opportunity to share a room with her siblings for sure!
I must admit that my bed makes a great place for folding laundry and I totally saw myself in that…strewn all over the nice big bed and not always put away by the end of the day. Good thing is that with baby in the room, that practice is starting to change!
And finding other places to “connect” with my hubby in my house has actually been fun, believe it or not. I wasn’t sure at first, but that part is working out well!
Jamala said it so well I don’t need to add much.
I had kids that were unwell or needed Mama, and I went to them. I made a lot of mistakes early in life.
I was also a parent that went through divorce and remarriage, and let me tell you that my selfish children made things very difficult because I had never been part of the equation. The children were everything.
Now there is a balanced approach, and my fabulous Christian marriage has become a rock from which I can be a great Mom and Grandmother. They respect me, and they know that I am a person too. The relationship with our children starts very early, and we can be there for them in every way, without destroying a loving marriage through which our love created them.
Saying you can just divorce him, well…go for it. FInd out then that the children are ripped apart and end up choosing one parent over the other. They are torn in half feeling like loving one is a betrayal of the other.
Like doing all the decorating on a building while letting the structure fall apart.
THAT is stupid.
I once read that it was best to only have couple pictures in your master bedroom/suite, and have happily followed that advice ever since. There are plenty of other walls for the family/kid pics.
As devil’s advocate (I’m sure I’ll make some friends with this one), since the beginning of time the bedroom has been a family bedroom, if not a family bed. Think cabins, tee-pees, tents, caves, Jesus’ time, etc. It has only been in the last few centuries that non-royalty could have larger homes. Co-sleeping has been around longer than not and comes naturally…and mankind has not stopped reproducing because of it.
That is not saying that a relationship with children should “come before” the relationship with one’s spouse, but not all men are put-off by co-sleeping and not all co-sleeping is more dangerous than it is positive. That would be like saying that all men are creeped out by their wife driving and them being a passenger, just because a few men are. Also, that driving down a certain road will cause death because one person perished doing so. In many cases of adoption, co-sleeping is VERY important to the needed emotional growth and attachment of the child. In some cases, husbands are very in tune with the emotional needs of their family, and those needs never creep them out. (My husband has absolutely no problem purchasing our family’s feminine products and says it’s no different than picking up toothpaste. Should I insist he stop because a handful of polled husbands said they would die if ever asked to?)
Those are far too many words to say what could simply be said as: Each family is vastly different. Each husband, each wife, each child…and their needs, desires, cultures and habits, as well. Each family, if open to God’s leading, should be aware of those needs and differences and make their own family choices to suit…within God’s word and guidance.
I have to agree, here. As a former single mother, and a wife whose marriage is recovering from some very serious issues, including a year’s separation, with 2 children under 3, and 1 more on the way, sex is very important to marriage. When my husband and I couldn’t talk without yelling, sex was the only thing that kept us together long enough to figure out our issues and learn to communicate. And yes, I cosleep my babies, with my husband’s encouragement — why? Because he sees that if I get sleep, he gets more sex. It was that simple. But it only works for us for the first 6 or 7 months. After that, we have to transition to a separate sleeping space for baby, because then I stop getting the same quality of sleep.. But once the transition’s over.. Well, there’s a reason this is our third child in 3 years
Single parenting is never the best for our children — least worst of two evils, perhaps, but never the best. A stable, loving relationship between parents is the best gift we can give our kids, and that means showing them where our priorities lie: God, marriage, family, in that order.
Perhaps if we stopped idolizing our kids…?
My husband has been one to tell me that in the past BEFORE we got saved, my children always came before him. It took God and many many months of counseling for the both of us for me to finally put priorities where they are.
My kids know that my relatinship with my hubby is on my top priority list. They know that major decisions are not made without getting dad’s consult and final input. They know that our bedroom is off limits unless it is an emergency and they must knock first before entering.
My kids are 16 and 13 and these have been our rules fr 12 years now. Our kids never slept in our bed and you know what? Our family is as close as a family can get–so don’t freak out if your kids are sleeping with you and you decide you don’t want them sleeping with you anymore.
What kids need to see is parents who LOVE and ESTEEM each other better than the other. That makes for a stable family.
Oh–and I am off to move my laundry off the bed! LOL! Thanks for the reminder Sheila! LOVED it!
Very good post, whether you agree or not, take a minute to walk to your bedroom door and just stand there. Does what’s in there make you smile and bring peace, or turn and run the other direction?
Your bedroom should be the one place in your home where you can shut the world out, unplug, relax, and just be.
@Tabetha — I co-slept with my kids. All 5 of them thru the years and nursed each one till they were 3 yrs old but let me state that while I appreciate what attachment parenting has to offer, my husband is my priority. My kids are EXTREMELY important and I will protect them with my life. However I plan to grow old with my husband. My kids will grow up, move out, and have lives of their own. I pray they have very successful lives. My kids KNOW my love for them and don’t even doubt it. My husband, the Lord willing, will be who I climb into bed with 10-30 yrs from now. I want to be able to look at him with the same loving eyes 10-30 from now and know that I took the time to invest our marriage.
I feel it is of utmost priority to nurture my relationship with my husband. He is my future. If I didn’t take care of that relationship, I can’t say that perhaps either one of us would want to be with each other if neither of us made the effort to show one another our importance to each other. I know how I feel if my husband neglects me emotionally & physically. I want a marriage that is is on fire for one another for as long as possible. Therefore I keep the one place that truely is ours, our bedroom, a special place. Our home is a special place too but our bedroom is OURS ❤. My kids have their own rooms as well and they get to make their rooms special to them.
When my kids are ill or need me. I’m available 24/7. My ears are 100% tuned into them down to pitter patters, coughing, verbalizing, wheezing, crying. They make a slight sound and my mom radar goes off. They’ve trained me well
. My husband graciously takes the backseat when the kids need mom. He’s even willing to comfort them if they want him but for most part it’s mom. My husband knows the importance of mother and child. And I know the importance of husband and wife. He tends to my needs equally so. It’s not all me, the woman, caring for the man.
From all the friends I have who have done attachment parenting, LLL, natural childbirth (I am an instructor), I believe every single one of my friends knows the importance of relationships, especially with their husbands. There is nothing wrong with co-sleeping but I feel for the woman who doesn’t place a high priority on her marriage/spouse. I give you kudos for finding ways of creatively being with your husband! Love that man of yours. He’s the one who will be there when the two of you are old. I say this with a lot of care.
I’m sure your husband wants to know you truly value him. But if you feel your marriage is disposable…well then I feel for you and will keep you in prayer. Relationships are not disposable. I’m a product of divorce and my parents pitted me against each other. Taking sides. Trying to dig up dirt. Who do you like better? Yadda, yadda, yadda. I was very sad as a child being that my parents were divorced and although money was never an issue for us, there was a ton of misery because if I said or did something that reminded the one parent of the other, they’d start picking on me or make comments that had silent jabs. Divorce hurts….for many years into a child’s adult life.
@ Heidi… Well put and my sentiments exactly…. I look at my mom and dad and all they have are each other. I am so thankful my mother did not put us before our dad… She taught us that we have a place and unless we were sick or it was an emergency any time during the hours of 11p-6am her bedroom was not the place for us! LOL Now that I am grown with kiddos of my own, I soooo understand!!
This was an excellent post. On the topic of putting your husband first and etc. It is true that you began with your man, and he will be there after the children are grown, God pronounced you two to be one flesh, you two are heirs together of the grace of life – not you and your child, and so Mr. Studly should be your first priority.
It is also true that when the children are grown and gone, if you haven’t treated your man as if he is a king,( i.e. been respectful, supportive, and warm to him), your kids may not come to call on you.
I’m sure there is some woman out there armed with a special circumstance and poised to contradict the overwhelming evidence: but, plainly stated, children who grow up seeing their father disrespected, pushed aside, or taken for granted, will NOT side with, respect, or want to be around their mother when they have children. Unless she is severely manipulative. Even then it won’t be for love, but out of guilt that they come to visit you.
You ain’t foolin’ nobody. If you are a witch to your man and put your children above him, it IS NOT because of concern for the children or an overwhelming drive to be a good mom, it is because of selfishness and spite.
Go ahead and call me mean, judgmental, way off base, clueless, ungracious. Then wait and see your kids leave one by one and become cold toward you as adults. While you are lonely, depressed, and (if he decides to stick around based on principle) still crabby at your best ever gift from God – your man, sobbing and whining because you have to twist your child’s arm to bring the grandkids over, sit back and ponder that you were warned.
I feel odd being the only man commenting on this, but here I go. I’ve been searching for an article about this topic because me and my wife have constant disagreements about keeping others out of the bedroom. I constantly tell her this is our sacred place and no one needs to be in here. One time she had
teenage girls come over and spend the night. I start walking to our room and she tells me I can’t go in because the girls are in our tub. As much as I wanted to fly off the handle, I waited till they left and we started fussing. Her two reasons behind it was 1. They don’t experience much so she wanted them to do it. 2. God gave us this house and she will share every part of it with others. Just recently, I’m getting ready to take a shower and and she was in bathroom. Her goddaughter walks in our room and comes to the bathroom door when I was about to get undressd. She didn’t tell her anything about that situation. What can I do to shed some light on this besides showing her this article?
Eddison,
That’s really rough! Thanks for commenting.
It sounds like you really need to sit down and have a discussion with your wife–not necessarily about the bedroom, but about values.
Your wife obviously wants to share things with people, and that is a positive thing. I would tell her that you admire that about her, and that you want to support her in that. But one value that you have is that you want to protect your marriage and treat it as something sacred. See if you can both agree that these positions are Christian.
Then the question becomes: how can we merge these two obviously Christian values? We want to share what God has given us, but we want to treat our marriage as sacred. And we want to teach the youth around us–teenagers, her goddaughter, etc.–that marriage matters. If you have a discussion about how you both feel passionately about these things, then you’re more likely to come to a win-win situation, where you both feel heard and you both feel valued. If you get stuck debating about the bedroom, though, you’ll likely find that you’ll end up fighting.
I hope that helps!